Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The Signs of Conservativism
Some abortion commentary here from the righty blogs:
“Abortion rights have been slowly whittled away while we haven’t even been looking,” said Kitty Striker, 22, who decorated her hair with small coat hanger replicas for the protest. “That’s what’s so shocking and so scary to me.”
Here’s a hint for you, slut: Keep your fucking knees together or use a reliable means of contraception. You won’t die from not fucking that sleazy piece of shit you picked up at the bar last night, you know.
And some more, an annotation of the Koran:
[1.1] All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.
Whose prophet is a kiddy-diddling pedophile (having a fetish for shaven genitals is one thing. Boinking 9-year-olds to save a few dinars on shaving supplies is another thing altogether) buggerer of goats that even his own family didn’t want to associate with.
[1.2] The Beneficent, the Merciful.
Just ask Daniel Pearl.
[1.3] Master of the Day of Judgment.
He’ll be there, alright, but since we’ve read the book, we hardly think that “master” is the appropriate title here.
[1.4] Thee do we serve and Thee do we beseech for help.
And thou shalt keep beseeching, but of help thou shalt have none. Of Hellfire missiles, on the other hand, thou shalt have plenty.
[1.5] Keep us on the right path.
We seem to have a clear case of “dereliction of duty” here.
[1.6] The path of those upon whom Thou hast bestowed favors. Not (the path) of those upon whom Thy wrath is brought down, nor of those who go astray.
“Fuck all those apostate infidels whose heads we shall saw off amidst much merriment. In thy mercy and beneficence.”
This is from the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, which just goes to show you that only “idiotarians” are against bigotry and misogyny.
I could have quoted from Cold Fury or another “conservative” blog, as the language is similar. Corporate plutocrats may be able to mine blind hatred for votes from these Neanderthals but that doesn’t make them right, even when they win elections. Take a good, long look, people: this is Karl Rove’s audience.
But while their base flies the confederate flag over its state capitals and spouts warmongering jingoism and islamophobia, the leaders of modern conservatism are aghast at Hillary Clinton saying the House is run like a plantation, or Dick Durbin saying that Guantanamo Bay conditions are sometimes comparable to Soviet gulags. They are simply shocked at the questioning Judge Alito had to endure at the hands of “partisan” democrats on the Judiciary Committee.
This faux outrage is typical posturing from cynical politicians but real outrage in their delusional base. It never ceases to amaze me how these people’s thinking process is a sad appendage to their feeling values: America is always right, democrats are deceitful flip-floppers and cowards, etc. They slander John Kerry’s service record but give Bush’s flight to the National Guard and subsequent mysterious departure a complete pass. They dig up small inconsistencies in Kerry’s position but ignore far greater one’s in Bush’s record. They lampoon democratic senators and ignore the corruption in their own party.
This is not a tu quoque argument to defend John Kerry’s record, but when election time comes and you are forced to choose between the lesser of two evils who in their right mind could say that person was George Bush in 2000 and 2004?
When it comes to people living in backwoods Georgia I can simply write them off as people who get too much of their news from FOX News. But bloggers have access to the Information Superhighway. How could they willfully ignore the truth when it is literally at their fingertips?
My only answer is that these people’s curiosity is carefully bounded by their desire to only find information that confirms their already-existing beliefs. They exist, as one famous philosopher said, “in the clean, well-lit prison of one idea.”
I don’t think it’s a good idea to let the votes of people who exist in a hermetically-sealed bubble with stacks of canned food and ammunition to rule our democracy. If they want to play in their faerie land, fine, but we shouldn’t be getting their advice on how to run the world outside of a room-sized plastic container or a militia bunker.
To aid the republic I have compiled a DSM-IV-like list of signs that people with this disorder share. If you evince one or more of these signs please do not vote or speak publicly about politics.
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Conservative
10. You subscribe to The Weekly Standard and consider it a good source of information.
9. Because you read Richard Miniter’s Disinformation you consider the Lancet’s estimate of Iraqi civilians casualties in the recent war to be “debunked.”
8. You listen to Hannity/Limbaugh/FOX News as an alternative to mainstream media’s “Liberal bias.”
7. You hate Michael Moore but have never fact-checked his arguments.
6. You fly a confederate flag but consider yourself a patriot.
5. You think it’s clever to dig up crazy passages from the Koran as proof that Islam is an evil religion but consider the Bible to be free of factual errors, contradictions, and divinely-blessed violence.
4. You hold a reverence for the military beyond the bounds of ordinary respect and well into the realm of fetishism.
3. You think that capitalism is the answer to all things.
2. You hate liberalism as socialism but enjoy a 40-hour workweek, paid vacations, and the protections of the FDA.
1. You have an inherent belief that this is the Greatest Nation on God’s Green Earth but have no knowledge of its history or the history of any other nation that happens to share God’s Green Earth with you.
# posted by BitterHarvest @ 3:43 PM 
