Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Aaaah...Sweet, Sweet Desperation
Ouch.
As the Republican Party enters a terminal tailspin seven months before the election I pause to look at the stories in today’s news.
I might say that if you are conservative the news isn’t good, but I don’t believe that. I happen to know that with the state of conservativism as it is today democrats would be better at taking care of conservatives than conservatives themselves.
I don’t want to sound partisan, because I have never cashed a check from a donor to the Democratic Party, nor have I ever been elected to any office of any kind. I don’t gloat in a “we’re winning, you’re losing” way because I don’t stand to get elected to an office as a democrat because the Republican Party is plumbing the depths of depravity and electoral contempt. When “we” win, in a way in which I really believe I belong to the “we,” we will have responsible politicians in office of both parties. And all of America will win, even if we differ on taxes and abortion.
Because right now “we” are suffering with our government the way it is, and by “we” I mean liberals and conservatives of the everyday variety. So if you are Joe Schmo and you’re reading this and you happen to be conservative, don’t take it personally unless you happen to be a big believer in the morals of Tom DeLay. In which case I sincerely want you to rot in Hell.
But to look at the news today is to look at the party of conservativism at its lowest ebb in history: an empty ideology, crooked leaders, and every argument transparently false.
Today the Republican Party has the unenviable task of painting our soldiers as traitors and cowards, as 72% of them think we need to get out of Iraq inside of a year.
And a special shout-out to the Bush Administration. How does that crow taste? They announced recently they will re-review the acquisition of the ports by the company based in the U.A.E., delaying said deal by 45 days, a proposition Bush promised to veto if congress passed legislation to that effect. Aaah, yummy, yummy black bird. How long did that policy change take? Four days, was it?
How’s that job approval rating doing, Drinky? Not so good. Bush explores JARs formerly reserved for describing the presidencies of Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter as his base revolts, apparently, at the port deal. 34%! Good God! Even lower than the 42% or so he’s been living at for a year!
Die-hard and delusional “conservative” members of the Cult of Drinky will deny, deny, deny until they are long dead, but this is a movement that is exploding spectacularly just seven months before an election. They’ll ignore the Zogby poll because Zogby is, as I’ve heard them say, a “biased” poll, as is the CBS poll, of course. They’ll ignore the writings of anybody in any media outlet that isn’t rabidly republican because the mainstream media and the liberal media outlets are all “biased” and “partisan.” They will continue to deny long after republicans are swept from office and their opinions are relegated to the garbage bin of history like fascism in Italy and Bode Miller’s gold medal aspirations in Turino.
It’s over, guys. Seven months is a long time in politics, but we haven’t even gotten to Jack Abramoff’s testimony, or the “Scooter” Libby trial, or Tom DeLay’s trial, or any NSA investigation.
The Writing is on the Wall, in a very biblical sense. Going all in and launching a berserk frontal assault on the truth has worked very well for many years for conservatives, but truth has a way of catching up with you, as “Kenny Boy” Lay is learning as we speak. Oh, I forgot. Drinky’s recent amendment to Kenny Boy’s nickname is now Ken “I never met him or Jack Abramoff in my life” Lay. Despite the pictures, the testimony, the fact that both were massive “pioneer” contributors, the friendly visits to Drinky’s ranch in Texas, the work they all did in abetting sweatshop owner’s operations in the Mariana Islands…
I don’t want to harp on the connections between these corrupt men too much, because, unlike conservatives, unlike Richard Nixon and Joe McCarthy, I’m not a big believer in guilt by association. But I think the Mariana Island stuff deserves a second look. Go ahead. Google it. Or, if you inexplicably hate Google for aiding the Chinese government in censoring information while ignoring the fact that FOX media mogul Rupert Murdoch has been doing it very publicly for far longer, Yahoo search it. It’s informative.
It’s informative because this is the central tenet of the Republican Party, and has been for years. The GOP has devolved into a worthless shill for corporate interests. They only throw a bone to pro-lifers and militant patriots every once in a while to keep getting elected.
I was reminded of this listening to the debate between GOP candidates for governor in my home state of Illinois. I don’t recall a single topic being explored other than ways to make it easier for business to operate in Illinois: tax cuts, protection from litigation, etc. To their credit, they also mentioned balancing the budget. But that’s it. That’s all they got.
This myopia is far less benign at the federal level. The GOP has become worse than unpopular: they have become radioactive.
I suspect that one reason I hear right-wing talkers like Orifice babble about how dems have no plan is because they desperately need something to attack so they can go on the offensive and draw attention away from their own monumental blunders. Dems are dems. They have a plan for everything. Probably too many plans, frankly. If I were a democrat I wouldn’t have much of a problem at this point at crossing my arms, shutting up, and watching the fireworks as the GOP goes down in flames. As one famous publication said recently, “democrats understand the wisdom in getting out of your opponents way when they are destroying themselves.”
I laugh when I hear the political pawns of Karl Rove say that you can’t win an election being negative. If you don’t understand the irony there please stop reading this blog and get yourself a brain scan. Check your pulse, because you might be dead.
As an aside, Drinky has plans to essentially eliminate the Americorp. I have no words. A tiny, inexpensive program that enjoys great popularity and does tremendous good, and Drinky wants to axe it. Why not, right? Why stop with the lies and the depravity when the world hates you, when your country hates you, when your administration is an ongoing Theater of the Absurd?
What is holding this guy back anymore? I mean, seriously, why not just cut to the chase and start throwing kittens out of tenth-story windows? When you have no agenda besides crushing harmless, beneficent things out of sheer spite what is left to do? Having already looted the treasury, destroyed international goodwill, ignored international law, raped the environment, and ripped up the democracy of your home country by gerrymandering opponents out of existence, Drinky is moving on to the little things in the autumn years of his presidency, like slapping homeless Katrina survivors and outsourcing the port security of the country to Osama bin Laden.
But there will always be those who can’t see the truth when it is standing right in front of you, screaming, red-faced, and waving it arms. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that there will always be those who, in the midst of a life-long psychotic break, see everything that isn’t there and nothing that is: Powerline, along with Orifice in some of his recent, earnest soliloquies, is convinced that the WMDs were there, and were simply moved to Syria.
That’s reason enough to invade Syria, isn’t it? I mean, after six years of this administration and their puppets in congress, we have long ago established that a fleeting suspicion of WMDs is the exact equivalent of utter certainty. Even a funny feeling in your gut will suffice.
These noble and idealistic Don Qiohetes will gladly wage war on any country that might have WMDs, even if the evidence suggests otherwise, for the greater security of the United States of ‘Merica and the world. These brave citizen-soldiers will chase the beautiful desert mirage of a justification for an ugly, unjustified, criminal war no matter where it leads them, because they are simply that brave. Sure, in their spare time they rob poor people and crack racist jokes about brown people, but that stuff is just a superficial veneer over the huge, protective, loving heart that throbs within the breast of each and every one of them. Don’t believe me? Check out the comments section in Little Green Footballs or Cold Fury. That’s love, baby. Pure, sweet, unadulterated affection.
But what about the Duelfer Report? Pah! Mere facts, my good man! That stuff has no bearing on the truthiness of the matter, on the fact that Iraqi weapons in Syria really, really need to exist. And when you go off your Thorazine drip in the mental hospital it is absolutely stunning how reality just warps itself to your will. It is magic, my good man. Just Believe, as our Savior once said. Christian conservatives are well-versed in matters of faith: trust them.
This rock-hard conviction that the world is wrong when it conflicts with your beliefs is something that has flourished in the right like maggots in a block of meat left in the Iraqi sun for a month. Just read your Regnery Press books. Bone up on your corporatist literature, for God’s sake: Disinformation proved that the Lancet study of Iraqi deaths was a gross exaggeration, that Saddam Hussein really did have a functional relationship with Al Qaeda, you name it. Regnery Press will happily sell you a book justifying anything you want to believe, skeptics, and we all know, as our president has taught us, that as long as you can cite some facts or lies that support your position, no matter how grossly rancid they are, you must be right. You don’t even have to examine the evidence that doesn’t support your position. That would entail far, far too much reading, and why would you want to read about stuff that contradicts what you want to believe anyway?
So when are we invading Syria, for God’s sake! It’s been two minutes already! What, are we waiting for Syria to launch a pre-emptive strike on Merica? Just push the damn button already I’m about to wet my pants!
Whew. Sorry. Sometimes I get a little fearful. That’s why I support my Preznit no matter what. He’s a demented substitute for a real father figure.
So what if we invade Syria and the weapons turn out to be gone again? They’ll just have moved to Iran, you fool, no matter what the world thinks, no matter what the official government report says. And isn’t it convenient that we’ll have a justification to invade a certain troublesome little Middle Eastern country that has nuclear ambitions? Kind of convenient, the way that irritating little Middle Eastern countries suddenly find that, unbeknownst to them, they have WMDs that necessitate a U.S. invasion. Kind of like how the crooked, er, I mean, pre-emptive cop plants a dime bag on a guy he knows is guilty of doing drugs. It reminds me of a bad play…
[This interlude brought to you by the Theater of the Absurd. Financed with generous contributions from Exxon. Exxon: you vote for corporate shills, and we’ll make record profits.]
“What do we have here, Rashim? It looks like a little baggy of crack!”
“What? I’ve never seen that before in my life! You just put that there, you bastard!”
“Likely story, Rashmed. Come with me, perp.”
“No, I mean, I saw you as you pulled the bag from your pocket and dropped it at my feet.”
“What are you going to do about it, Ramjob? What, you think the U.N. is going to enact economic sanctions against the biggest economic engine on the planet? There is no other police force to appeal to, Rimjob.”
But back to reality, or, as conservatives like to think, The World as it Needs to Be.
The theme just keeps going, gang. I mean, there is no end to it. Scooter knows. Scooter is charged with lying his ass off, repeatedly, to an investigator trying to figure out who leaked Valerie Plame’s name. You remember, that skinny bitch that wasn’t really undercover, according to Pat Roberts, the republican chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, who would know. Scooter’s been caught in, shall we say, contradictions, and it’s really hard to warp reality when people are watching and taking notes. No problem. Internalize a little bit. Sure, in the outside world, Scooter admits, shall we say, he got it wrong. But was he lying? No! He forgot. In his own little word, a small and difficult place to navigate indeed, it is so misty and confusing that he didn’t remember what he said, what others said to him, etc. It’s really a crime that he was even charged with a crime, don’t you know. How can a man with such a disability be expected to even remember his own name? Valerie Who? Where am I? Where’s my binky?!?
Stop picking on Scooter, you bastards! He can’t be expected to remember the truth!
Drinky meeting Abramoff? He doesn’t remember, you bastards, he’s special. Stop bugging him. So what if there were pictures, invitations for visits, whatever.
Did Drinky approve of that U.A.E. port deal? He didn’t even know about it! Leave him alone!
Indulge me while I pause to enjoy the sweet, sweet smell of desperation emanating from Washington nowadays. How about another whiff: “Jack Who?” Aaaah…sweet, sweet desperation…
# posted by BitterHarvest @ 5:20 PM 
